Letting Go of Being a Controlling Parent

I think letting go is the hardest thing we do as parents. We have so much practice letting go, and yet we are so bad at it. It is so easy to become a controlling parent. However, in each developmental stage, we must let go or growth doesn’t come.

We stop hovering at the playground, even though our child may fall. We let go of their small hands for their first day of pre-k, even though we can’t fathom making it an entire day without them. We watch them drive out of the driveway the first time with our stomachs in knots. We sit in the living room waiting way past our bedtime because we let them stay out until midnight while we are tracking them on Life360. And these are just the normal ways parents release their kids. If you have a child with mental health issues or other special needs, this process is so much more complex and challenging. 

Why We Become a Controlling Parent

Why is it so hard to let go of our kids? Because we’re hardwired to crave control. Control gives the illusion of safety. The illusion of certainty. The illusion that if we do all the “right” things, we can guarantee a good outcome. 

But here’s the hard truth: control is always rooted in fear. There is so much more fear when you are raising kids with special challenges. There is:

• Fear of being misunderstood.
• Fear of being excluded.
• Fear of being seen as a failure.
• Fear that we’re not enough, or that our kids won’t be enough in a world obsessed with “normal.”
• Fear that we will be blamed for our kids’ failures (and, to be honest, that is a possibility that is not too far-fetched).

The Illusion of Being a Controlling Parent

And control? It’s always an illusion, and yet we cling to it like it’s the Gospel Truth. We run ourselves ragged—mentally, emotionally, even physically—trying to control things that simply don’t belong to us. And while we’re doing that, we miss the one thing we do have influence over: Ourselves. We stop growing and challenging ourselves. We focus all our activated energy on fighting with our child about things we can’t control anyway.

This constant striving creates a low hum of anxiety and dissatisfaction in the background of our lives. It wears away at our confidence and our ability to live with joy. It robs us of the present moment—the only place joy can actually exist.

5 Things You Can’t Control as a Parent

Let’s start by naming it. Here’s what you can’t control when it comes to other people:

1. Their Opinions and Judgments

Some people will never understand your parenting or your child’s needs. They will judge, gossip, and give unsolicited advice. You can’t change the way they view you, your parenting, or your child.

2. Their Willingness to Adjust

You can explain all day long, but you can’t force someone to unlearn their biases or do the work to understand neurodiversity. When people’s lives are very simple, they view problems as being simple. These people are quick to blame either the parent or the child for the child’s behaviors. You can’t drag people into being flexible either. Some people’s basic personalities are just too rigid to accommodate. 

3. Their Presence

People you thought would show up might not. Some will vanish when things get hard. Some will offer to help with meals, but hold your child at arm’s length because that is not something they can handle. If people show up at all, in any way, with positive intentions, I like to keep those people in my life. Not everyone can wrangle a hyper child or calm down a distressed one, but showing up in any way is a gift. We can’t let our hurt feelings push these people away. This journey is isolating enough as it is.

4. Their Reactions

You can’t make someone be accepting, patient, or kind. You can’t force other kids to include yours. There is no way that you can manage every awkward encounter. People are going to react to your child/teen in ways that are insensitive. You will have to watch your child be misunderstood and rejected. This is never easy, but we can learn to let this go. If people are consistently reacting this way to your kids, then they are just not your people. Find your people.

5. Their Judgments About You

Parenting advice is something people offer up all the time. Have you tried….? Have you read….?  When you feel judged by another parent, I want you to picture your child with them for a week. Are you smiling yet? People who have it all figured out haven’t dealt with too many parenting issues. Don’t give them one ounce of your energy. You know your kid better than anyone.

5 Things You CAN Control as a Parent

1. How you advocate for your child.
2. The boundaries you set (and enforce).
3. The love and patience you bring to your home.
4. How you respond to ignorance and negativity.
5. Who you surround yourself with—and who you walk away from.

This shift took me years to make. It was a back-and-forth journey of separating my own expectations from others’ expectations. But I have found my freedom, and I know you can too. I can remember crying when my son’s teacher told me that I should stop comparing my children because he already had low self-esteem. I never compared my children, but her assumption that it was I who created this issue really devastated me. Now I look back on that young mama and want to give her a big hug, and I would tell her that one day she wouldn’t care what other people said about her. One day, she would feel confident that she loved her child the best.

You Can Choose Not To Be a Controlling Parent

Once parents realize how little control they actually have, they usually take one of two paths:

1. Clamp Down Even Harder – More rules. Less flexibility. Fewer choices for the child. Isolation from those who challenge the illusion of control. It’s normal to start here and be a controlling parent, but we don’t want to stay here. This place will drive you nutty. There is nothing harder than holding yourself responsible for things you can’t control.
2. Surrender Control and Grow – This path is harder at first, but it’s the one that leads to freedom, connection, and peace. It’s where real growth happens.

When a parent says, “My child is still struggling, but we’ve changed—and that’s made all the difference,” I hear a success story. At the end of the day, you want to be proud of yourself. Were you a good leader today? Were you kind to your child today, even though he/she was being very difficult? Did you manage to get through a whole day without blaming anyone for the struggles of the day? How do we get back to that kind of grounded confidence?

• We stop letting other people’s opinions make our choices for us.
• We act in alignment with our values.
• We protect our peace.
• We seek connection, not perfection.

Here’s what I know:

There are lots of ways to be a good parent, but they all start with parents being good to themselves. Being a good parent doesn’t mean you get good results for every effort you make. In fact, it means sticking with your kid no matter what the outcome is. It means understanding that you are your child’s greatest resource, so your mind and body need to stay healthy. Other people are allowed their opinions. But you always have the power to decline that opinion. Don’t allow people who don’t matter to speak so loudly into your lives.

©2025 Dr. Melody Aguayo. Used with Permission.