“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)
There’s a concept in TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) called a “Redo.” The idea is to have the child display self-control after a bad behavior and to “redo” the behavior correctly. For instance, a child walks in the door and slams it. Instead of overreacting, you would say in a playful voice, “Hey, sweetie, why don’t we have a redo of shutting the door?” This is a low-volume and soft way of having the child repeat the behavior correctly to enforce the right behavior while keeping the relationship intact through a playful tone of voice. My husband and I often trained other families in TBRI principles through Empowered to Connect training, so we used them in our home and taught them to others.
Two Examples of Self-Control
Needing a Redo
One evening, I was having a heated argument with one of our teenage daughters, which lasted a long time. Every time she would escalate, so would I. I’m the parent, and she is not going to win this. Eventually, I won and walked out of her room with her phone in my hand, having handed out the consequence of grounding from her phone, friends, and life for three teenage “life-ending” weeks. Victoriously, I walked into our bedroom, where my hubby was watching TV, prepared to show the spoils of my hard-fought battle and commiserate my parenting prowess. As I opened the door, my precious husband looked me in the eye and said, “Do you think you need a redo?”
OUCH!! He’s still alive, and we’re still married. The painful truth was—he was right. I did need a redo. The bad behavior was mine. I had let the argument go too far, and in my desire to “be the parent and win,” I failed to hear her and totally lost my composure. I heeded his advice and returned to my daughter’s room to discuss the disagreement, apologize for my bad behavior, and repair our relationship.
As parents, it’s important that we recognize that our kids aren’t the only ones with bad behaviors. We are just as capable and probable as our kids to behave badly, especially when we feel like our authority is being challenged. When I learned to slow down and respond rather than react, I also learned that sometimes my girls were right to challenge my “authority.” Why? Because I was wrong.
A Challenge to Authority?
There was another instance where one of my girls was upstairs on her phone. I could hear her talking while I was standing downstairs in the kitchen, staring at a sink full of dirty dishes that were supposed to have been loaded into the dishwasher when she arrived home. I yelled upstairs several times with no response.
Finally, I went upstairs (stomped up, to be precise) and flew into her room to make her hang up the phone. She looked me square in the eye and mouthed, “No!” while waving me to get out of her room. You’d be correct if you could feel the steam coming out of my ears. How dare she disrespect me? I’m her mother! I turned and left the room to go and get my husband. This was going to require both of us! She was on my heels no sooner than I had gotten to his office, “Mom!”
I promptly whirled and said, “Don’t yell at me, young lady! I can’t believe your disrespect and disobedience!” Then I turned and told her father the whole story about her failure to do her chores, ignoring me on her phone, and then disrespectfully telling me ‘no!’
After I finished, he looked at her and said, “Why were you talking on the phone before you did your chores, and why would you treat your mom like that?” Get her!!!
She said, “I’m sorry I haven’t done the dishes yet. I was about to go do them. When I got home from school, my Math teacher called. I had a question about an assignment I didn’t understand, and she didn’t have time to see me after class, so she told me she would call me to review it after school. That’s who I’ve been talking to.”
Yep. It was me again. I behaved badly by not giving my daughter the benefit of the doubt and having some self-control and patience.
Repairing our Relationship Through Self-Control
When we behave badly, we must repair quickly to keep our relationship intact, recognizing that we can set a positive example for our kids. One of our most powerful tools is our ability to model the behavior we want to see in our children. When we demonstrate self-control, especially in challenging situations, we provide a living example for our children to emulate. This means taking a deep breath, pausing before reacting, and choosing our words and actions carefully. By consistently showing self-control, we teach our children the importance of managing their emotions and responses, which are crucial life skills.
Practicing self-control helps to create a calm and stable home environment. When parents maintain their composure, it sets the tone for the entire household. Children are highly perceptive and often mirror the emotional states of their caregivers. By remaining calm and controlled, even in stressful situations, we help reduce anxiety and promote a sense of security for our children. This calm environment supports their ability to develop their own self-regulation skills, leading to healthier family dynamics.
Standing firm in self-control is not just about managing our own emotions and reactions; it’s about creating a nurturing environment where our children can learn to do the same. We set the stage for our children to develop essential life skills by modeling self-control and fostering a calm atmosphere. As today’s scripture reminds us, the fruits of the Spirit include self-control. As we rely on the Holy Spirit, we can cultivate this fruit in our lives and our homes. Let us stand firm in self-control, demonstrating God’s love and grace in every interaction.
Short Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of self-control through Your Holy Spirit. Help us to model this fruit in our daily lives, especially in our interactions with our children. Grant us the wisdom to create a calm and nurturing environment where our children can learn and grow. May our actions reflect Your love and grace, guiding our family towards peace and understanding. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
©2025 Pam Parish. Used with Permission.
