“I wish I had a real, big brother,” my five-year-old daughter, who was the epitome of a Glass Sibling, said to me one day.
I said, “What do you mean, honey?”
She said, “You know, one that can help me with stuff and doesn’t get so wild.” It was such a simple description, yet it included profound insight for a kindergartner. She already understood what teachers were just becoming convinced of—that her brother had special needs.
My two kids were attached at the hip until middle school. They had tons of adventures together and ganged up on us frequently. But she understood that she was, in fact, the older child. She was constantly trying to calm him when he was distressed, redirect him when he got distracted, and soothe him when he felt rejected.
The way we handled those early years is one of my biggest regrets. We expected too much of her. She just seemed so capable. I mean, you could trust her to keep a secret at the age of 2. That’s not even developmentally appropriate, but it was emotionally necessary for her to get what she needed, given that we often hid things from her brother that would dysregulate him.
In families raising children with special needs, especially those with behavioral, emotional, or developmental challenges, the spotlight naturally lands on the child who struggles most visibly. Amid the chaos, the hospital visits, the school calls, and the therapist appointments, there’s often another child quietly trying to disappear—or sometimes, trying just as hard to be noticed.
Glass Siblings
These children are called Glass Siblings—not because they are fragile, but because they are often seen through. These are the neurotypical children in families consumed by the intense needs of a brother or sister. They spend their childhood walking a tightrope of empathy, loyalty, and silence. They hold so much loyalty in their hearts toward their sibling in the same space as their resentment, and that is a heavy load for any child or teen. Even if they appear fine, they are absorbing your stress, reading the room, and adjusting themselves so completely that they start to disappear. They stop asking. They stop needing. Until one day, they don’t know how to need anymore.
The Unseen Needs of “The Okay Kid”
It’s easy to overlook the neurotypical sibling. After all, they’re doing “fine.” They’re not throwing tantrums, failing out of school, or being hospitalized. For parents running on fumes, that sense of relief can become a blindfold. We can’t handle another problem child, we tell ourselves. And Glass Children get that—intuitively, deeply, and often painfully. They know that being okay is their role in the family, and many of them cling to that role even when it hurts.
Many Glass Sibings disappear inside the home and excel outside the home. These Glass Children behave well in school, keep track of their own schedule, and seem like they parent themselves. They ask for very little because they truly understand that you have very little to give. They understand that the system is fragile, and they will not push against it for fear of shattering it.
Glass Siblings In The Early Years: Preschoolers in the Shadows
For preschool-age children, the need for attention, play, delight, and presence is central to their development. When their neurodivergent sibling demands most of the adult energy, these little ones may begin to pout, whine, or retreat. They don’t yet have the words to say, “I feel unseen,” but their bodies tell the story—often in tears at drop-off and being extra clingy. They want to hold on to you because you are their predictable safety. In the school years, that changes, and their predictable safety is often outside of the home.
These children may not understand why their sibling gets so much time and attention. They might see the tantrums, the broken toys, and the constant interruptions, and simply conclude: My sibling is bad. I’m good. It’s the only way their young minds can make sense of the inequality. Even preschoolers have a strong sense of loyalty toward their siblings, so parents will see them trying to compensate for the sibling who “can’t” or “won’t” cooperate.
How to Support Preschool-Age Glass Children
Here are some ways to support glass children at this age;
- Give developmentally appropriate explanations about their sibling’s needs.
- Point out privileges they have—playdates, alone time, outings.
- Make time for one-on-one connection—15 minutes of undivided attention can fill a very empty cup.
- Spoil them occasionally—especially on days they have to wait patiently or go along with someone else’s plan.
- Protect their space and their things, even if it’s inconvenient.
Glass Siblings In The School Years: Resentment and the “Good Kid” Complex
By elementary and middle school, the gap between siblings becomes more obvious. Neurotypical children may start to feel embarrassed by their sibling’s behaviors or avoid inviting friends over. They begin to separate themselves mentally and emotionally: If my sibling is the bad one, I must be the good one.
Many develop perfectionistic tendencies, striving to earn approval through achievements while resisting correction—after all, they’ve “parented themselves” for years. But beneath that overachieving exterior is often a well of unspoken grief, anger, and fatigue.
How to Support School-Age Glass Children
Here are some ways to support Glass Children at these ages.
- Give them scripts to explain their family to peers: “My brother’s brain works differently,” or “My sister has needs you can’t see.”
- Balance the narrative around fairness: “She is not in trouble for that because she didn’t know better. Your sister is still learning that lesson. Just like we don’t punish a baby for crying, we can’t punish your sister for doing something wrong that she hasn’t learned to do right yet.”
- Celebrate their wins—loudly. Don’t dim your pride in them to spare their sibling’s feelings. This probably means celebrating only with the glass child so that they can be the center of attention without any fear of a meltdown from your other child.
- Offer them autonomy and privacy. Let them say no, set boundaries, and have a life outside their sibling’s orbit. In fact, encourage these things. If this means they get a lock on their door to keep their things safe, just make sure you have the combination for that.
Glass Siblings In The Teen Years: Radical Independence & Resentment
Teen Glass Children often swing hard toward independence. They may reject their sibling outright, avoid family gatherings, or express intense embarrassment. Their earlier attempts to please and help may shift to statements like, “If she’s coming, I’m not.”
They may also carry the weight of being the family’s “only hope”—pressured (often unconsciously) to succeed because “you’re all we have left.” The burden is heavy, and many teens cope by becoming perfectionists who believe love must be earned.
How to Support Teenage Glass Children
Here are some ways to support your teens through this;
- Allow them space—physical, emotional, and relational. They do get to choose who they allow into their safe spaces.
- Encourage separation without guilt. They don’t have to be best friends with their sibling. This is so hard for parents. Every parent wants for their children to be close. But real intimacy only develops with good boundaries.
- Acknowledge their experience. Ask hard questions like:
- “Do you ever feel guilty about doing well?”
- “What do you wish was different in our family?”
- “Do you want a break for a few days?”
- Reassure them: They are not responsible for their sibling’s future or behavior. They are not responsible for being their sibling’s best friend. Yes, they need to be kind and respectful, but they should have no other job in relationship to their sibling.
- Offer resources, not pressure: Books, support groups, therapy—but let them choose when they’re ready.
Conclusion
This is real. Sometimes, the pain of acknowledging a Glass Sibling’s experience feels like too much. But ignoring it doesn’t make it go away—it just pushes it underground. The pain will become anger, and it will either project outward or inward in the form of anxiety.
Glass Children often move between invisibility and intense visibility. Sometimes, they’re overlooked; other times, they’re placed on pedestals of perfection. Neither feels safe. What they need most is to be seen as normal kids with normal needs—not heroes, not martyrs, not background characters.
They need parents who will ask hard questions, create space for truth, and offer empathy without judgment. Not perfectly, not all the time—but with intention.
No child should grow up feeling like their pain doesn’t count simply because someone else’s pain was louder.
The term Glass Child was used by Alicia Maples in a TED Talk in reference to herself as a sibling of children with special needs.
©2025 Dr. Melody Aguayo. Used with Permission.