“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
Standing firm and giving grace can sometimes feel like polar opposites—especially in parenting. Admittedly, I am a recovering authoritarian parent. “Hi, my name is Pam. I struggle with thinking my way is the only way.” Whew. Admission is the first step toward healing. To me, standing firm was often what I felt I needed to do with my children. Grace felt permissive and weak. Yet, I repeatedly found that I needed God’s grace for me in my parenting, and my children needed my grace for their weaknesses, too.
Sometimes, grace looked like pausing before issuing a correction to ask, “What’s going on?” Other times, grace looked like she was taking a kid whose attitude was terrible out for an ice cream so that we could talk about what was happening in her heart. Both were counter-intuitive to what I felt “firm parenting” looked like. Both were successful in keeping me from making the mistake of coming down harshly when softness was more needed in a particular instance.
Give Grace Instead of Rebuke
One particular example always comes to mind when I think about grace. One of our girls was rude and disrespectful at the dinner table, so I asked her if she wanted to leave the table. She left and went to her room. After dinner, I went to “deal with” the situation. I was still angry with her attitude and behavior when heading up the stairs to her room. I knocked on her door and asked her to come in. The Holy Spirit arrested my heart when I saw her tear-streaked face, and I softened my approach. Rather than launching into how unacceptable her behavior was, I sat beside her and asked her what was happening. Her answer is something I’ll never forget.
She said, “I’m so sorry. But when I sat down, I got angry because you had cantaloupe on the table.”
I thought, “What? When did you tell me you hated cantaloupe?” What she said next changed my approach toward bad behavior from our girls forever.
“When my sister and I were little, my mom punished us by smashing watermelon and cantaloupe into the carpet and making us lick it up. So when I smelled the cantaloupe, I just got angry.”
My heart broke for her. For the little girl, long before I knew her, licking cantaloupe out of the carpet. For the angry young girl sitting at our dinner table whose hurt younger self spilled out in rudeness and disrespectful behavior when she smelled it again years later. Thank God for grace and His Holy Spirit that kept me from bringing a wrecking ball into that bedroom and crushing our girl who needed love and a mom who would hug her and not hurt her. The power of God’s grace was made perfect in my weakness—and hers—in this moment. Understanding her childhood trauma changed everything.
Giving G.R.A.C.E.
In our work at Connections Homes (the nonprofit that I founded that places Mentoring Families into the lives of older youth exiting foster care or without a safe, stable family in their lives), we use an acronym of G.R.A.C.E. to help our families gracefully handle situations with their young people.
G: Get to Why
Understanding the motivations and underlying causes of the circumstance, behavior, and conflict.
R: Rally Around Realistic Goals
Set achievable and meaningful goals to address and improve the behavior while considering the young person’s abilities and limitations.
A: Affirm Redemptive Positives
Recognize and affirm the positive qualities, strengths, and progress. Practice a hopeful vision of the future good resulting from the current hard circumstance or behavior.
C: Cultivate Resilience
Foster resilience in both you and your young person, helping them bounce back from challenges and develop coping skills.
E: Engage Supportive Community
Involve and seek support from a network of individuals who can help, guide, and encourage you and your young person.
My book Redemptive Connection discusses this framework at length. I share it here as a helpful tool to help you slow down and consider the “why” behind the “what” of your child’s behaviors. As you stand firm on God’s Word against the enemy of trauma in your child’s life, remember to walk with GRACE in dealing with behaviors and circumstances.
Help Us Give Grace — A Short Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your endless grace. Help us to embrace and extend it to our children, giving us wisdom to understand their hearts. When we’re tempted to react harshly, remind us of Your gentle love. Strengthen us to stand firm in Your grace and transform our hearts and homes with Your unfailing love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
©2025 Pam Parish. Used with Permission.
