When faced with challenges in our homes, the powerful tool of self-reflection can be the key to unlocking a more peaceful and healing environment for our family. When we look back at our childhood experiences and how they influence our parenting practices. By understanding and acknowledging these influences, we can move forward more empathetically and effectively.
As parents, our initial attitude often is, “Make the behavior stop!” However, it’s crucial that we practice the pause in these moments. This pause involves taking a deep breath, stepping back from the situation, and giving ourselves a moment to reflect. This reflection allows us to return and examine what we bring to the problem, which is a vital first step. What buttons are my kids pushing? Am I proactive or reactive? Why does this bother me so much? Lastly, am I partly responsible for dysregulation in my home?
The Importance of Self-Reflection
By taking a moment to answer these questions, we engage in self-reflection. This self-examination empowers us to better understand our histories and how they influence our parenting. How you were parented truly does impact how we parent. None of us had perfect parents—most did the best they could with what they knew and had. Have you ever commented, “When I’m older and have kids, I will never do/say that!” And later find yourself doing and saying the exact things you promised you’d never do? Yep, this is the power of our pasts. But remember, none of us can go back and change anything, but we can make sense of it. This understanding can enlighten us and make us more empathetic parents.
Once we reflect on and examine what our homes were like as kids, we begin to understand why we react the way we do. When we encounter challenges within our homes, the practice of “looking back” can be a powerful tool in creating a more peaceful and healing environment for our family. This approach helps us understand our past and gives us hope for a better future.
Practice the Pause
As parents, our initial reaction is often to “stop the behavior.” However, it’s essential to pause in these moments. This pause allows us to reflect on our contribution to the situation, which is a crucial first step. We need to consider what triggers our children’s behavior, whether we are being proactive or reactive, and why certain behaviors bother us. Moreover, we should question whether we bear some responsibility for the lack of regulation in our homes.
By taking a moment to address these questions, we engage in self-examination. This introspection gives us a deeper understanding of our histories and how they influence our parenting. Our own experiences as children significantly impact the way we parent. It’s a fact that none of us had perfect parents; most did the best they could with what they knew and had. Have you ever found yourself saying, “When I have kids, I will never do or say that”? Yet later, you catch yourself doing and saying the exact things you vowed never to do. This phenomenon stems from the influence of our pasts. It’s important to remember that we can’t change the past but can make sense of it. This realization can make us more empathetic and understanding parents, strengthening our bond with our children.
5 Areas of Self-Reflection
Following self-reflection, we should consider what our own childhood homes were like. By doing so, we can begin to comprehend why we react the way we do. Examples of how our pasts (What we experienced as children) might be part of our kid’s dysregulation and behaviors can include:
1. Inconsistency in establishing and enforcing rules and boundaries leads to child confusion. Kids thrive in routine, which provides felt safety, which is critical for a child to grow and trust.
2. Reacting impulsively or emotionally to the child’s behavior may exacerbate the situation; a dysregulated adult and a dysregulated child are like two sticks of dynamite.
3. Projecting their unresolved emotions or issues onto the child affects their emotional well-being; emotional health is critical. We cannot give what we don’t have. Many times, our kids need help with their own emotions. If ours are not in check, we cannot effectively help our kids with theirs.
4. Overly controlling or overprotective behavior may hinder the child’s development of independence and self-regulation skills. We should learn the powerful tool of scaffolding our parenting practices, meaning meeting our kids where they are and devising a plan to help them grow and acquire new skills. Life and skills are all a process! Think of when we teach our kids to ride a bike. There are steps and an order to learn that skill. We don’t just throw them on a bike and say ride. We start with training wheels, then we may take off one until they are comfortable, then we remove them both (when they’re ready!) and watch them soar!
5. Engaging in frequent conflicts or arguments in the child’s presence creates a tense and unstable home environment.
These five areas to reflect on are a great place to evaluate and make necessary changes.
Self-Reflection and Creating Connections
The last and most effective way to best allow healing is to examine the connections in the relationship with your children. Connection is truly the secret sauce! If you grew up in a home where correction was at the forefront and emotional connection was distant, you would find yourself having to be much more intentional. One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is building solid and meaningful connections with our children. Here are some practical ways to connect with your kids:
1. Quality Time
Set aside dedicated, uninterrupted time to spend with your children. Show up in activities they enjoy (they might not always be things you enjoy) and use this time to bond and communicate with them.
2. Active Listening
Practice active listening when your children talk to you. Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings, and provide them with a supportive and non-judgmental space to express themselves.
3. Shared Hobbies
Find and engage in activities you and your children enjoy. Whether playing a sport, cooking, gardening, or crafting, things you can work on together can provide lasting memories.
4. Self-Expression
Allow your kids to express how they are feeling. Create time and space for that to happen. This can include an open-door policy for them to express themselves and share experiences, concerns, and successes.
5. Express Affection
Show your children love and affection through physical touch, positive affirmations, and spending time together. Expressing your love and support helps build a deeper connection with your kids.
6. Family Traditions
Establish and maintain family traditions. These can be simple routines, celebrations, or special rituals that are special to your family. For example, Friday night is Italian Night!
7. Celebrate Achievements
Acknowledge and celebrate your children’s accomplishments, big or small. Positive reinforcement and recognition can strengthen your relationship with your kids.
8. Teach Life Skills
Take the opportunity to teach your children valuable life skills. Involving them in daily tasks and decision-making processes fosters a sense of responsibility and teamwork.
9. Empathy and Understanding
Show empathy and understanding towards your children’s challenges and emotions. Acknowledge their feelings and provide guidance and support when needed.
10. Create a Safe Environment
Cultivate a safe and nurturing home environment where your children feel secure, supported, and loved. This sense of security fosters a healthy parent-child relationship.
By implementing these practices, you can strengthen your bond with your kids and create a lasting, positive connection that will benefit you and your children.
Parenting is hard, and looking back on your history can be challenging. However, the investment and intentionality of putting your hands on the plow will allow you to reap the benefits of fantastic relationships when your kids reach adulthood—you’ll have stories to tell!
©2024 Angie Grant. Used with Permission.
